How can we warm Things up
How do we talk to someone when we feel hurt, anger, frustration, desperation or betrayal ?
We all know what warms our partners heart to help them recognise we care, we are present, we are committed
When we are angry or hurt we can often do the opposite over a period of time to protect ourselves and prevent the other person from seeing our compassion
If we are to move ahead in our relationships, we need to have goodwill and intentionality
If this sounds simple it is because the simple things are often the most effective and that which we forget to consider.
At the start of the relationship we tell the person what we value and appreciate then as time continues we slowly stop
When you feel at a complete loss for how to improve your situation at home or work, think of 3 things you could do to improve.
Return to the small, specific and easy to accomplish, nobody needs advice to know what works best, what is most appreciated by your partner. There is no expert who knows someone better than you, a person simply
Needs to start and sticking with it that is hard.
We all focus in what the other person is doing to us not for us.
If you’re struggling in your relationship increase your ratio of positive to negative statements.
If you’re being or feeling attacked, learn to voice your hurt:
Know that many daughters hurt their mothers and many fathers hurt their sons far too frequently in life because they expect far too much from them. Daughters and sons alike conversely expect far too little from their fathers.
Mothers are also a safe attack and prime target because they are less likely to disappear should a relationship divide.
Mothers are blamed and blame themselves for every family problem, they are therefore always on the defensive even before attacked and this alone does not support a difficult conversation.
Know also it is impossible to ‘get it right’ every time therefore some complaints will absolutely be true. This requires openness and humility in order to learn, hear, grow and nurture as we would like as sons, daughters, mothers, fathers.
Only after hearing criticisms and anger, after apologising can we, should we expect to be heard by another. When we block, justify, defend, oppose, deflect and avoid a persons attack, we are demonstrating a refusal to acknowledge that person, and that hurts everyone.
This does not mean we sit in silence and accept, we must have boundaries. What this means is we speak about tolerance, providing a time and place for attention outside moments of anger eg: “I love you/ I appreciate you and ’m sorry you feel this way, however I cannot tolerate you yelling at me or calling me names, you need to find a different way to talk to me”
When conversations get out of hand, always ask to stop and return when you feel calm, then approach the conversation again.
Observation of self, of our reactions and those of the other always leads to the ability to hold positive responses instead. Nobody thinks clearly when people are in anguish.
If it matters enough, there is always a way forward. When you value yourself, when you value the other person, there is always a way forward.
More often than not, there is a pattern of fighting, of learning how to react and attack rather than listen and respond. All that we do in life has been learnt, all that we do is a habit and therefore as a habit has the opportunity to be recognised, amended and shifted into new habits. There is nothing psychological in this, it is simply a matter of how much does this matter to you and what is it costing you right now versus how you would like it to be ?
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