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“Let’s talk about Relationships”

Each of us holds an innate need to belong. In fact we try harder to please others because we have a fear of not belonging, a fear of not being good enough, a fear of being found out and a fear of not being loved.

We crave belonging because we seek not only to survive, but more importantly to feel valued.

Even those ‘happy’ to be single, feel value through a group of friends, and yes that includes the heavily isolated living in the back mountains of desperate isolation itself :)

When it comes to marital relationships, ‘no fault’ or voluntary divorce was introduced in Australia in 1976, with a rate of 4.6%. In 2017 this rate stood at 2% with 47% of these having children under age 18yrs.

Whilst this decline sounds somewhat optimistic, marriages account for only 4.7% of recognised relationships with an increase in average marital age for the same 1976 - 2017 period from 23yrs to 30yrs.

Bottomline: less people are getting married so let’s look at why ?

In 2019 we have greater communication accessibility, personal availability, negotiable income, navigation mobility and opportunities: this is reflected not only in our personal relationships, but also in the workplace, in our homes and our circle of friends.

  • Consideration unfortunately has declined

  • Connection has declined

  • Compassion has declined

  • Cooperation is conditional

  • Consistency has increased for non-considerate purposes

Dating sites have increased not because of technology or the ability to communicate, rather because we have become more conditional aka less considerate of others. We love to compare and see ‘what else is available’. With more, comes less. Less of who we are and more of who we wish to present. Less natural, more external.

In the workplace, manipulation of interviews, resumés and capabilities has increased so we present what we believe someone is looking for, rather than who we are.

We submit to negative cultures to fit in and move when we’re uncomfortable with income, position, people or place. Sound like online access to you ?

In a relationship, we present what will attract and maintain this pretence until we decide otherwise. Often long relationships accept not moving forward because it is more comfortable to remain in discomfort, than to identify what we actually enjoy and fear not being accepted for.

Why ?

Because communication and consideration requires valuing the other person and if this is not present or to our satisfaction, then ‘fight-flight-freeze’ takes over.

Let’s talk unconditional love

Love itself is unconditional. It has no boundaries, holds no influence, is not measurable. It is unconditional

Relationships are conditional. They have boundaries, can influence, are measurable. Are conditional

What does this mean ?

It means that whilst we are desperate to belong, desperate to be valued and loved, we also live in a constant state of fear that we are not good enough, or that the other person is not good enough and so we find ways to measure one another. We influence outcomes to define trustworthiness, to confirm reactions, to compare our current experience with a past experience. We deflect, distort or generalise communication and consideration. We lose connection because we are in a state of comparison.

All the positive elements that make us remarkable exist, we see, hear, feel these constantly when we’re connected to our states of passion and curiosity. Our drive forward. We lose these when we allow perception to interfere with who we wish to be, the example we wish to set. And when we disregard this or shrug it off, we are avoiding the feeling of embarrassment or self-imposed shame that comes with recognising it is ‘we’ who is actually not good enough aka, not aligned to what is important and matters, our values, beliefs and goals.

We become the external pretence, not the internal natural self.

So how do we improve our relationship in difficulty ?

Quite simple. We identify, align, measure and reflect on:

  • what is important to you

  • what matters to you

  • what are your values

  • what are your beliefs

  • what are your goals

We communicate, consider, connect and act with consistency aligned to these things alone.

  • Life satisfaction declines from the age 15 to mid-30s and lowest between mid-30s to early 50s. It improves from early 50’s to late 60s and remains high til the early 80s.

  • Relationship separation undisputedly leads to a sharp decline in life satisfaction. People who re-partner fare better than those who remain single.

  • Following a separation, women recover life satisfaction better than men.

Where are you experiencing this in your life ?

Where do you see it in other peoples ?

If it matters to you, it matters to me

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