Reconciliation begins before Communication
A reconciliation may never happen but what is important is where you stand.
“Circumstances do not make a person, they reveal them”
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What I mean by this is that when we are clear and certain on our own values, on what is important and matters to us, our relationships, our home, our workplace and our interactions with others. When we can see the example that we wish to present and be remembered for, when we know what that example would do for us should we receive it in return. This is all we require moving forward to achieve our goals, build our relationships, support others to achieve their goals and manage those opposed to us for whatever reasons they hold at the time.
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We cannot control and should not seek to control, other people. We may only be the very best example we can be because that alone matters enough and that alone sincerely considers others.
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“No matter how clear or creative our voice, no matter how persistent our efforts to be heard, we may not get the results we want.
Other people may fail to respond to us with sensitivity, empathy or fairness. They may refuse to respect our request for even a simple behavioural change, they may not show up for the conversation. Still we may choose speech over silence as a way to honour to our own need for language and self definition”
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Shakespeare - “This above all else to thy known self be true”
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If we are not true to ourselves we live disconnected lives and we cannot love ourselves or anybody else as we would like. As we may recognise, having sincerity means we also need restraint, we need consideration before communication.
Sometimes there is a gap between what we say and what we feel, it is never an issue to have nor to share genuine feelings when we employ this consideration and compassion for the other person with what we hope to accomplish in mind.
Love for ourselves and love for another means having compassion first. It means measuring our response before (or after) and realigning to the outcome desired, that outcome being consideration for the other and a higher resolve. Anything less not only diminishes what we say we want for ourselves and the example we set, equally importantly, it diminishes the other person and what they may be trying to resolve or share and the joint outcome both are attempting to accomplish.
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How we are remembered and the legacy we leave does not begin at the end of our lives, it begins with every action we take and how we respond, consider, communicate and demonstrate compassion toward another person. We are remembered in every moment. Each moment opens or closes the door to enable a deeper relationship, greater opportunities and accomplishing the mutually desired outcome in the next moment.
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Being authentic or sincere is not about speaking from a place of righteousness, criticism or anger; rather it is about constructing a more solid self, modelling the behaviour of others who exude the example we wish to follow and thinking about relationship issues with clarity, creativity and wisdom. It is not about charging in to correct, amend and resolve, rather to consider how our words impact any resolution and how our response shall be remembered.
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Reconciliation begins within first, in order to be present when receiving or delivering to another second.
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Our voice and how we project ourselves reflects our self awareness and requires us to operate from core values, beliefs, goals and what matters to the outcome; this is our precedent, our foundation. Often it is our reaction, our immaturity which we need to keep in check that gets us in trouble when speaking to someone else or trying to achieve goal only we are aware of.
When we speak with maturity and an awareness of our emotional reactive, our triggers and how we might better manage these, only then do we use wisdom and intuition to decide how we might lighten or redirect a difficult conversation, or acknowledge, validate and shift the atmosphere toward the goal that benefits both and reconnects on a genuine not forced or expectant level.
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To speak openly and honestly requires us to listen effectively with intention, attention and care. Compassion.
When we demonstrate we have ‘heard’ the other person, they feel recognised, they feel included. When we do not, we demonstrate anticipation for a different outcome and dismiss the other, we are effectively telling them “my voice is more important than your voice”, “what matters to me is more important than what matters to you”, “I am only interested in what to hear, defend, justify or shift toward and not the conversation in question and the outcome we both say we want”.
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“The gift of listening is far greater than the gift of speaking”
“The gift of compassion is far greater than the gift of persuasion”
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When we seek to improve ourselves. Practice listening. Practice compassion
When we seek to reconnect with loved ones. Practice listening. Practice compassion
When we seek to build relationships, at home, at work, with friends. Practice listening. Practice compassion
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“We are human beings, not human doings” - Ram Das
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When people suffer, they often suffer twice. First because they lived through something painful. Second, because family, friends and others communicated that they did not want to hear about it or they don’t want to hear all of it. They may respond with “I didn’t want to intrude”, “It isn’t any of my business”, “I don’t know how to help”.
There is no greater toll on any relationship than “don’t ask, don’t tell”
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As a result the person suffers, the communication breaks down, the isolation sets in, the fear rises, the relationship falls apart. The workplace changes, the partnership dissolves, the friendship ends. The person is alone.
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“Circumstances do not make a person, they reveal them”
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Disconnection can become a way of life for people sharing the same home, a common history or the same office. We may need to make a special effort to engage in new conversations and reinvent what we know and what we achieve to accomplish far greater outcomes than before. This is also the definition of ‘leadership’, identifying where a person is, where they want to be and supporting them to close the gap.
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Through our words we become smaller or larger than before, we diminish or enhance the other person, we narrow or expand the possibilities between us. How we use our voice determines the quality of our relationships, our goals, the example we set and how we will be remembered.
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Living as an example not only fulfils the life we seek for ourselves, it reinforces how we would love to be remembered.
It reflects a life worth living, an effort worth making, a time worth pursuing
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What does that look like to you
If it matters to You : it matters to Me
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