The Two Challenges to a Relationship
There are two essential communication challenges in any relationship:
First we need to clarify a bottomline or boundary and stand beside it, never wavering. We are setting the example of acceptance, tolerance, allowance and beyond this, self-value.
Second we need to speak positively as the example we wish to be in the manner acceptable to our receiving as if we were being spoken to for the very first time.
A boundary is not an intolerance for listening, it is not saying “I am not interested, this does not matter” rather a boundary says “let us discuss this in a more productive, compassionate, considerate manner”. I matter and so does this, let us speak nicely not aggressively.
A boundary is being clear that you are available for a conversation on any subject, as a collaborative not as the opposition, not as competition, not as an unconsidered individual.
It does not mean that all conversations will be easy, rather that negotiation and compromise may be made with consideration and value. It does mean there is a line we cannot cross, that there are certain behaviours not acceptable or tolerated and the outcome becomes the priority for setting, being and speaking as an example.
Important to know is that a bottomline is not a place of desperation and absolute, rather a place of awareness and self observation of our own tolerance. A place of dignity, personal values, beliefs and vision. A place of self care and self expression. Given it includes beliefs, it means it may also be measured, amended and reflected upon over time in order to improve tolerance and relationships.
When it is difficult to say “this is what I need to do for myself”, it is all the more difficult to say “this is what I need from yourself” and then if we are ignored to decide what to say next and how to say it.
Moving forward requires one thing above all; we need stop focusing on the negatives and ‘impossible’ and start focusing on our own clarity, our own certainties around what is important and matters, our values, beliefs, vision and goals. We need focus on the example we wish to be, sound, feel and speak, our accountability and tweaks in order to continue stepping forward.
Sometimes we need more pain before we will shift. Sometimes we haven’t had ‘enough’ and the uncertainties continue, the pain continues, the cycle continues.
At any point in time, we always have choice, we always have the ability to measure what we say and do against our foundations, our focus and how we would like it to be.
When we find clarity, we act with certainty, we speak with compassion not aggression, we are not sidetracked or influenced by opposition and acts of behaviour not conducive to who we aim to be and aligned with our purpose, passion and place. We become observant not oppressed.
Living by what matters to you, being the example, is a very different Life
An enjoyable, grateful, empowered and complete one
What does that look like to you ?
If it matters to You : it matters to Me
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